a while ago I found myself struggling with the idea of being perfect in life, or in another word being in a perfect life. Simply making sure things are moving right on the plan, to prevent anything bad from happening, and that was creating this feeling of anxiety in me that I’m not in control.
It started years ago with a traumatic incident, once I’ve gotten through it, I thought I am free & Its over. soon I found myself struggling with an strange fear, the fear of it happening to me again. in every step I take & every decision I make, I was afraid of something bad happening.
I was too consumed with the anxiety of being out of control that I experienced 1 or 2 panic attacks. The anxiety gets more intense on the same time of the year that I had that incident. Anniversary effect they call it, I know right.
I soon found out that this anxiety was getting stronger living among the outside world. It was not really interfering on how I could interact with the people I knew, but to see the nasty things people do to each other, whether its something that I witness with my own eye, or something that I watch in News or even a TV Show, or even hearing a Tragic story from someone in a group was making me feel deeply disturbed.
This led into an unconscious anger within me, the adrenaline rush when I or my loved ones were being threatened was instant. it could be simple as someone driving recklessly near me, or getting me close to an accident, or put me into danger, this simply was making me restless. It was all the idea of not being in control.
I could control myself, but I could not Control the world around me. I could try to not think about bad things, but I couldn’t control what was happening around me, I couldn’t stop people from dying, I couldn’t stop people other side of the world from killing each other, I couldn’t stop people that were coming up in the news to stop bullying each other, I simply couldn’t do anything about Donald Trump being the president of the United States.
I couldn’t see myself telling about this to my friends, the paranoia of people judging me for something I am not, was simply magnifying the anxiety of being out of control.
I found myself far from the spiritual state I was at, far from my perspective of life, weaker than the mental strength that helped me to go through that experience. That doubt about who I was before the anxiety, that itself was like pouring gasoline on the idea of me being not in control. I could even feel anxious by listening to songs I used to hear, hear the talks that I used to hear. I was escaping, I thought I’m escaping the ugly reality, escaping the dark side of our life. I was wrong, I was escaping me…
It took me a while to realise the only way out for me was to face my fears, to put myself into the situations that I was running away from. To observe them, let them hit me. whats the worst that could happen to me? having a panic attack? feeling like going to die? feeling restless & fearing that I’m goanna jump out of the window?
I tried this method with myself few times, it was hard at the beginning, my heart was pumping but slowly I found out that it would just take minutes for me to see myself, where I was, safe and sound and nothing could touch me.
It helped me to get back in my grounding rules of life, that my highest responsibility was just to be here, go through it. That if the life is a game, my only role is to play, whether I want to be in it or not, the level goes on & there are million of players out there playing the same world with me.
If you suffer similar anxiety, try the idea that the more you fight back your fears, the longer the blockage will hold you, the longer it hold you from moving forward. at some point you will eventually realize that whatever that was keeping you from being who you really are, is actually you. You can’t stop aging, you can’t stop dying, you can’t stop things from happening to you or the people you love, you can just make it hard on yourself.
If you’ve done wrong things, if you feel guilty, forgive yourself today. If you think you’re failed & hopeless, if you think no one likes you, if you think the universe is against you, remember this is your world. those millions, those who create the history, those who construct your world, those who cause your pain & happiness, all are in your world and you are in theirs, This is a single chance for you to be the role you are today. Carry on, with Love, with Passion and never give up.
Life is all about uncertainty, that is what makes it beautiful, happiness can’t exist if there is no sadness, its all about you understanding, but you can be certain about your decision, you can be certain about the path you take, to be kind, to find the peace you are looking for.
The sooner you realize that happiness is from within, the sooner you’l be free.