a Doll Memoirs

a doll memoirs by mahdi hazaveh

It’s a dark sunset. no one can see the sun. it’s gone, shouldn’t it be there somewhere in the sky. shouldn’t I see it going down. there is a rolled paper in my hands. I can feel the burning smell. there is a little red light. I’m sitting in a bench. I can hear the trees. they sound scary. it’s like someone is sweep up the ground. there’s nobody here. it’s me and me. I’m getting a puff from that rolled paper. like old dying man. breathing hard. it’s heavy. I’m coughing every little while to put my voice together. talking to myself. about everything. about the stories. what is this? is this what they call it life? the yard is empty. I cant hear the children’s screaming there. where did they go? didn’t they play here at this time? where did they all go? I feel cold. and I hug my shoulders with my hands. still have that cigarette between my fingers… and I look down. to the ground. I used to be a happy boy. I used to jump every side. just like you. I could smile. I would smile. it couldn’t be as beautiful as yours. but I had it all the time, with you. Where are you? why can’t I feel the happiness anymore? how could you leave me. didn’t you know I’m scared of loneliness. didn’t you know I can’t do it alone? I’m getting older and older. but I still can’t be strong enough as big people. how can they manage to not give up? Is it because you didn’t taught me to? Is it because I thought you will always be there? Is it because you told me that you will never leave me?

Another puff. I think my fingers are burning. how soon this one finished! I’ve just lighted it! I took a deep breath. close my eyes. I’m scared. I can hear them. I can hear those cellos and pianos. they are scary. You said I should never listen to them. where do they come form? I press my ears with my hands. they are still there. how can I stop them. help me…. hug me… break this fearful silence. say something… call my name… wake me up! wake me up from this darkness… I know you are out somewhere. In my world. Smiling as always…  come back… please… hold me with your hands… just one more time. before life throw me away. before I sleep for ever.

Mahdi Hazaveh
19 Oct 2012

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